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| Sunday, May 31, 2009 |
i feel like i've disappointed lots of people. Teachers, friends and of course family. everybody's expectations of me just gets higher and higher. sometimes i feel like if i just didn't do well since young maybe they won't expect that much. or maybe if i wasn't as intellectually capable as i was or am now. Not that i'm that smart anyways. i just can't face up to the disappointment. yes, i'm soaking in my misery. but nobody knows that. i'm sick and tired of everybody telling me "ruby, why are your grades slipping so much? i expected better results. maybe being in the prefectorial board is taking up too much of your time. maybe you should quit the board." i don't want to quit the board. it has given me opportunities to lead and serve the school. i had fun there. i really don't want to quit. the most i'll just not join the exco interview or something. if i've disappointed you, i'm sorry. i promise to work hard and do my best to achieve better results next term. i just haven't seen the light yet. i'm just not as smart as others and i need more time to see what others see in an instant. i can't really do anything about me being slow. it's just the way i am. i can't help it that people in my class are so much smarter than me. maybe i really shouldn't have appealed into this class. maybe it wasn't really necessary for me to have appealed in. if i didn't appeal, maybe i would have done better in my previous class. i really feel the stress kicking in. i don't know if i can cope. nobody is helping me with my weaker subjects besides wye syn. but you can't possibly be helping me 24/7. i don't know if anybody at home can help me with any of my subjects besides the languages. i don't know what to do. just this hols alone i have about 24 pieces of homework. every single subject gives an average of 2 pieces of homework each. mum banned me from watching boys over flowers and banned me from listening to music when doing work. i kinda have no form of entertainment at all now. the only time i can watch tv is when mummy's around. listen to music when i go out. i don't even think they would allow me to go out this june hols. most probably miss wye syn's concert if i don't manage to persuade daddy to let me go. hope everything goes well tomorrow. |
| (Ruby) ♥ 5/31/2009 12:38:00 PM |
| Wednesday, May 13, 2009 |
i didn't even post on my birthday. thanks to those who remembered my birthday and wished me. i have pics but lazy to upload. common tests have ended like yesterday. but i don't feel the joy of freedom after CTs. it's like it doesn't really mean anything. this year has been quite mundane and i've been questioning myself a lot more lately. maybe it's because of my very influential partner:D or maybe it's just because a lot has happened and i have been reflecting on those a lot too. i've asked myself why i don't have the freedom others have. is it because i'm not contented with what i have? or is this just the life i've been fated to live. i've been having this premonition as well that my back problem will become very serious and i would become paralysed from waist down. will this ever happen? i don't know. i just don't have a good feeling about it. after common test i have been coaching my sis in her work. i really wonder if all i do is being recognised and whether i would be affirmed. i spent time coaching her and explaining to her. but today, she wanted to watch tv. i just wanted her to focus so i tried to switch it off. but all i got from her was a kick in the stomach and hatred from her. was all the effort that i put in worth it? i don't even get the due respect that i deserve as an older sister. mummy is also having higher expectations of me. i feel like i'm about to break down any time. i don't know if i am able to keep up with all that is happening. everybody has expectations of me; teachers, friends, parents, siblings. what if i let them down? they'll all be disappointed with me. can anybody just spare me this torture and just let me sleep my life away in my own little world? |
| (Ruby) ♥ 5/13/2009 10:20:00 PM |
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